- [Squeaking noise, silence] - [Gasps]
[Crackling sound]
OK... OK, bad guy. I know you're out there!
But you picked the wrong house, buddy. The wrong house.
I may be scared, but I am not going down like this!
Now that Trav's at college, what's it like living all alone
in this big, empty house?
I wouldn't say I'm getting a lot of sleep.
Why a spoon? You can't hurt anybody with a spoon.
Ow!
- Oh, please, I barely hit you. - [Whimpers]
[Sighs] I can't believe Travis is gone. I just, I miss him so much.
Except for when I lived in Paris, I've never lived alone before.
You've also never lived in Paris.
If you visit a place for over a week, then you get to say you lived there.
Well, then I'm a badass, because I lived in a women's prison once.
Cracker alert.
- [Door opening] - [Bells jingle]
Oh, I put bells on the front door,
that way I know when someone's coming in to kill me.
[Both] Oh.
I like the bells. It's a little Christmas-y.
With Travis gone, how am I ever gonna feel safe?
Jules, I'm here sleeping with you most nights. Holler.
- Plus, it's a safe neighborhood. - You're right.
- Oh, boy. - What? Is... Is there a mark?
- No. - Really?
- It feels hot and raised. - Well, it's not. I mean, come on, guys?
- I don't see anything. - I don't see. Nothing.
Within my finger circle that I'm making? Nothing right there?
[Sighing] Can you believe it, Kevin?
This is college.
You know, in high school, I wasn't that popular.
Wasn't a dork, had a girlfriend, had intercourse with her, you know how I do.
But most people just knew me as the guy with the haircut
who made his head look perfectly square. But not here.
No, here I'm gonna be a quiet badass.
Like Harry Potter. Not early Potter, but in the last book when he...
What am I doing? You probably read it.
The point is, that's the great thing about college.
You decide who you're going to be.
- I'm gonna call you Square Head. - Fantastic.
I just don't know what to do with myself.
When Travis was here, I always had something to obsess over.
He was like my own little pale science project.
Go see him. Dork University is only like 20 minutes away.
- I promised I'd stop being so clingy. - [Doorbell ringing]
We're only gonna talk once a week.
- [Bells jingling] - What? You're finally noticing
my new haircut? I think it's awesome, too.
That constant attention Jules tortured Trav with?
Well, that crap-bomb's gotta land on someone else, buddy.
Guess who she's gonna pick?
Since your son left, I wanted to cheer you up. It's my family's label.
- We're all wine-makers. - Thanks, Tom.
No offense, but you just got way more interesting.
I recently earned my orange belt in jujitsu.
And now you're running back the other way.
Look, I don't like attention. So if Jules tries to smother me with it,
- I will just say no. - [All cackling]
What are we laughing at? Oh, my God, those jeans suck.
It's like you forgot to put your ass on this morning.
We're gonna have to do something about your look.
- Finally see your head? - Hmm-hmm.
Man, that stinks. I used to rock the jean shorts and half-shirt.
Then the girls went and stole my whole look.
Remember how studly Burt Reynolds looked in that getup?
- [Chuckles] - Hey, look at me. I'm a hairy Adonis.
- [Mimics Burt Reynolds laugh] - [Phone ringing]
- Yeah, the half-and-half was regal. - Hey, Rosa.
Yeah, sure. If Stan's having fun at the park, stay there.
All right. Man, our new nanny is awesome.
What happened to the old one?
When Stan goes to sleep, just shake a little cereal in his crib.
That way, in the morning, he won't wake us up when he's hungry.
He'll just eat the ones stuck to his tiny arms.
She may have called Child Services.
- OK, guys. - [Groaning]
- These are too tight. - Oh, nut up, crybaby.
You think women enjoy wearing tight jeans?
Do you think I'm lying like this to look sexy? Mongo, flip me.
[Grunting]
In order to get these jeans fastened,
I have to lie flat on the ground and either Smith, or if he's not there,
my building manager has to yank the sides together
while I suck in and do a quick zip and then the next day,
I am bruised from here to here.
These are my standing jeans. I literally cannot sit down in them.
Watch. I'm going to relax my whole body and just crumble to the ground.
Nope, no, I'm not. You see, because my jeans are holding me up.
- Yeah. - You know what else I decided?
- Doesn't he look better in glasses? - Hello, Jeff Goldblum.
[Grayson] # I'm in hell, I'm in hell
# You tell get my comb She don't like my hair
# She tell me move my boots She don't want 'em there
# She says that again I'll tell you what I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say
Back up off me, baby, OK? I'm a grown man. I'll make my own decisions.
Just not... # To her face, I'm in... #
- Hey. Is that a new song? - Yeah, it...
- I'm not really ready to share it yet. - Well, when you're ready.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Hot Flash, did you do this?
I did. See, the reason I buy expensive things
is to belittle people who can't afford them.
Ooh, girl, you just got served... or is it owned?
Owned is when you dominate someone over a long period of time.
Served is a swift take-down often marked by a dance celebration.
Oh, and what's a Snooki?
Payback is coming, Ellie.
Ooh! Scary. Honey, you're so out of your league.
- It's like playing chess with a monkey. - [Gasps]
Stan's down, so I'll do his laundry.
That's fine, Nanny. Don't need the play-by-play.
Yes, ma'am.
"Nanny"? I thought you loved Rosa.
She's amazing. I just don't want to be friends, so I'm keeping it professional.
I have enough people who think they're my friends wandering around my house,
stealing time from me.
- You mean her, not me, right? - Oh!
[Bobby] During my glorious nine weeks in college, I rocked the half-and-half.
Maybe you can help bring that look back on your campus. What do you say?
- You want to be the tip of that spear? - Pass.
And this conversation is over if that's what you're wearing.
How'd you know?
So, Dad, you know how excited I am to redefine myself at college?
Quiet badass, like Harry Potter.
I'm just not quite sure how to do it.
Sounds like this talk needs to be face-to-face.
Don't come here. Don't come here. Don't come here. Don't...
Hey, buddy.
[Vocalizing]
Did I tell you I played the drums when I was a kid?
You don't need to hear it from me. Let my hands do the talking.
We should jam together. Seriously, I've always wanted a jam room.
We should have everyone over and just jam out. I mean, talking just jam.
I can't stop saying "jam."
My music is kind of personal.
- And you understand personal space... - Tink!
Thanks for listening.
- [Door opening] - [Bells jingle]
Oh, I love my security system. I mean, it's like I live in an antique store.
- May I help you? - About that. Um...
I'm feeling guilty because this morning you were freaking out about safety,
and I just kind of blew past it, but, um...
Nah, forget it, I don't want to scare you.
- Tell me! - Well, I went by my place,
and some DVDs are missing.
And I'll just say it, OK, several.
I know it's not someone getting dragged into the woods and chopped up,
- but it's still pretty scary, you know? - Get everybody over here.
Welcome to the first neighborhood watch meeting.
You son of a bitch, you took us all down with you.
- Shh! She's talking. - This is our cul-de-sac, damn it.
And we've gotta protect it. Tonight, we take back the sac!
First order of business, we need a new slogan.
Found some batteries for my flashlight. I had to take it out of my... something.
Anyway, back to the Neighborhood Watch Association.
The main goal of the NWA is safety.
I thought it was to represent Compton. What!
OK, I, I don't get that. Yesterday, Grayson's DVDs were stolen.
Next thing you'll be signing for some package that contains, guess what?
My head.
If we're sneaking around the neighborhood at night,
should my husband be dressed as a cat burglar?
You ladies need a little muscle out there.
Cuban... Missile... [grunting] Crisis.
Hey, nice ride. What're you topping out at? Twelve, maybe 13 MPH?
Why'd he give me the stink eye?
Because he doesn't know that you also drive a golf cart.
He just thinks you're being a douche.
You see? You're a thinker, Trav. This is college. You gotta shut that brain off.
Yo! Square Head, want to play Ultimate Frisbee?
- Square Head and me are in. - All right.
Really? You're just running with that nickname? No questions asked, huh?
[Bobby] Time to jump in.
Just don't make that girly noise you make when you throw stuff.
What noise? I make a noise?
The good thing about burgers
- is that you can... - Andy,
I think this is going to be one of our quiet dinners.
Sweetie, it's just, I need some downtime before we fake-protect the neighborhood.
- Hmm... - [exhales heavily]
So, Ellie, we hardly know each other.
Where'd you grow up? What's your story? Talk to me, girlfriend.
I was so stunned. Do I give off a vibe that I want to be friends with everyone?
[Chortles] Yeah. Yeah, that's your vibe.
OK. Kill the side chatter.
Take a glow stick. OK, these are for emergencies only.
[Snapping]
- Really? - [Giggles] But they're so glowy.
I broke mine. Looks like the Predator bled all over me.
- [Mimics monster growl] - [Phone beeping]
- Aw! It's Trav. - Oh!
It's not my day to talk, but I gotta get a fix.
I'm gonna write back as you. "Hey, hot dog."
- He knows it's not you. - Wait. Bobby's at his college?
You don't say.
[Overlapping chatter]
Andy! Right here, I'm open!
- Whoo! - Dad, go long! [high-pitched squeal]
[All yelling]
- Yeah. - Again!
- Well done, son! - Way to go, S.H.
Thanks, Kev.
[High-pitched sigh]
- I'm sick of neighborhood watch. - I'm bored.
- Yeah, I'm bored, too. Let's go home. - Yeah.
Hey, I wanna cut off some of my hair and see what you'd look like with a goatee.
[Giggles]
- Yeah. - No, no. No goatee.
Neighborhood watch. I know what will make this more fun.
- This does make it more fun. - Yeah.
God, I like Tom wine. You know, I think his family has a vineyard.
Hey, you guys. Tom's family doesn't have the vineyard.
He is the vineyard.
[Rhythmic sloshing]
[Laurie] We're drinking his feet!
[Groaning] Let's pour it out.
- It is pretty good, though. - Alcohol is sterile.
- To sweaty foot wine! - Chin-chin.
I'm with you.
- Hmm... - I wonder what else is going on.
Check this out. I thought Rick and Steve were brothers.
Chad Shultz just opened a beer during his intervention!
Wow, the Goldsteins' fight got sexual in a hurry.
I know, it's like, "You're worthless, I hate you, put a baby inside of me!"
Neighborhood watch sucked, but Wine and Spy rocks.
We've been made. [Shouting] Scatter! Scatter!
- [Dog barking] - [All yelling]
- [Phone ringing] - [Overlapping chatter]
Hello? Oh, hi, Carol. What? You saw some teenagers outside?
- She thought we were teenagers. What? - [Whispers] Hooray!
I've got to go tell my nanny I don't want to be friends.
- Ugh. Not smart. - What?
It's just, you said you love Rosa, and she's so great with Stan.
I saw them playing peek-a-boo during Wine and Spy. She's so patient.
- You snap before the first "boo." - It's a dumb game.
"Oh, where did I go? I'm behind the magazine again." Snore.
Whatever. If you shut Rosa out,
you think she'll still be so amazing with Stan?
- What am I supposed to do? - You love your boy.
- You know what you gotta do. - Oh, crap.
You up for some tea and Scrabble?
[Inhaling] Yeah.
The reason why a half-shirt's so exciting, Kev,
is because it's like a curtain coming up for the show.
- I'm glad my dad showed up. - And me, too, right?
My dad really got me out there today.
Pretty soon people are gonna know what I'm about.
They already know. You're Bobby Cobb's son.
He does all the dirty work of being awesome,
and we just hang on to the sweet, musky charisma and enjoy the ride.
I'm not riding my dad's musk.
Yo, I'm not gonna call you Square Head anymore.
- OK. - Your new name is "Not Bobby."
[Chuckling]
Hey, Not Bobby. Has the red spot gone away yet?
Yep.
[Moaning]
Quick pause.
I wanna do something about those eyebrows.
You're starting to look a little Greek. See, I used to live in Athens.
You've got your kooky neighborhood watch to think about.
- No need to focus on me. - What do you mean by "kooky"?
- You know what you're like. - No.
Why don't you tell me what I'm like?
Well, you've got the whole empty nest thing going on,
so you've been dumping all your attention on me, and I hate it.
So, I gave you the neighborhood watch as a gift,
like a little basket to put all your crazy in.
So, my attention is so horrible
that you thought you'd distract me by treating me like some baby?
- Were your DVDs even stolen? - I am missing Terminator Salvation,
although, to be honest, I might've thrown it away or, or burnt it.
Go home, Grayson.
OK, wait. Come here.
Now, go.
- Are those the jeans I picked out? - Yep.
It's part of my apology.
I should've just told you that I didn't like all that attention.
My son just left home.
This is so scary and it's confusing and it's sad all at once.
In my defense, you were really annoying.
You're right. You know, it's not fair for me to smother you
just because I'm going through something.
Can I go change my jeans? Eventually I wanna have kids.
I mean, we've only been dating for a few months,
so if you're not able to take care of me
because you're an emotionally crippled half-man, I'm not gonna judge.
Thanks.
Besides, I'm strong enough as a woman to be able to, you know,
take care of myself and not desperately cling to someone.
- [Phone ringing] - It's my baby! My baby is calling me!
Hi. What's wrong? This isn't our once-a-week phone call.
- What's going on? - Hi, Mom.
You wanna quit college and come home? I will tell everyone you have mono.
I'm fine, but Dad and Andy slept here and they won't leave.
- Isn't he cute when he sleeps? - You only call when you need something?
- You're my mom. That's how it works. - All right, fine, I'll be right there.
No, no, no. Don't come here. Don't come here! Don't come here!
Travis wants me to come there.
If I can get Stan to nap in his stroller, we could go get coffee.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna be busy all day committing suicide.
- Ellie! - Rosa!
[Door closing]
Oh, boy. I came to check on you.
Don't ever check on me. If you look in and you see that I'm on fire,
- know I would rather roll myself out. - Got it.
I wonder if Jules has any more foot wine.
[Door closing, bells jingling]
Where's Jules?
- Oh, yeah. - Ooh, nice.
Growing up, I had a cousin Russ who used to rock the half-shirt.
Honest to God, his abs were like waves in the ocean.
Don't look at me like that.
I only kissed him once, and it was on a dare.
I dared him.
Your mom... is hot.
Wait. Why would you let Jules go there?
Remember, she told us all she was trying to give Travis some space.
Oh, he knows. He just doesn't want to get involved because he feels smothered.
- That does sound like him. - Jules needs your help.
If you were having a hard time,
she would force her way in with a sledge hammer. That actually happened.
I locked myself in a bathroom and she busted in, all DEA-style.
- She was like, "Lady friend..." - Maybe we tell that story later.
- Yes, maybe we will. - Oh, yeah.
Chuckles, you've gotta decide if you're just gonna be someone
who Jules sleeps with for a few months,
and then dumps and we all ostracize you until you move.
[Dramatic inhale]
Or if you're gonna be someone who can be really there for her.
And that means being part of the crazy. All of it.
Yeah, Chuckles.
OK. You watch, we're going to find you a cute girl in this Freshman Facebook.
Good. Whenever I see a girl, I'm like, "What would Mom, Dad and Andy think?"
Ooh! I like Sue Kaner. Ah, she's bringing it.
Oh, wait a minute. She's from Tampa. You can never trust a girl from Tampa.
She's right, Trav. You see this scar on my neck?
- [Door opening] - Tampa chick.
- Oh, good. My mom's boyfriend is here. - What are you doing?
Jules, I want to be more than just a guy who sleeps with you.
- Does this have to happen here? - So let's sort a few things out, OK?
Travis, your mother's having a hard time, OK?
Call her more than once a week.
Bobby, Travis here is going to college, not you.
- Andy, seriously? - Dude.
- And, Jules... - What?
...come with me.
I woke up one morning and my wife was gone.
I know a little something about being left alone in an empty house.
Yeah. At least you were left by someone who didn't love you anymore.
That's sweet. Hey, look, I know it's scary, but it's also a new chapter.
- Embrace it. - I can't.
Every time I go up there to Travis' room, I am miserable.
There's nothing that can change that.
A jam room? It's amazing!
But what if Travis wants to move back home?
- He's never moving back, Jules. - Travis.
Fine. But until then, you can lean on me.
Aw...
You know what you're getting yourself into?
Nope.
- [Drums continue nearby] - See you tomorrow.
What am I doing? It's early. Let's double down on the girl time.
No. When you leave, you have to stay left.
I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be your friend.
I don't want to drink tea with you,
or hear about your stupid diabetic mother and the fluid in her legs.
Don't want it. And, Rosa, do not park your car in our driveway.
This isn't Tampa.
And if you take this out on Stan, you will go to a special place in hell
reserved for murderers and pageant moms.
Your best friend told me to be friends with you!
She said you fired your last nanny because she kept it too professional.
What best friend?
Chess with a monkey, bitch. You just got owned and served. Ha!
Sorry I came here and stole your thunder.
Every man needs to create his own thunder.
Man, it'd be cool if I could fart right now.
- It really would. - Now, get out there
and make a name for yourself.
Wait. Where are you going?
That's not my cart.
Go, go, go! Whoo!
What up, Kev?
Square Head is kind of a quiet badass.
[All playing Slow Ride]
Whoo!
- San Antonio, good night! - Whoo!
[Making high-pitched noises]
[Noises continue]
- [Buzzing] - High score!
- Did I make the noise? - Nope.
Play again, I wanna video this.
[High-pitched noises resume]